Ani Al-Sniqr, 6 years old and spokeskid for Persians Against Candy Konflict, said "Today we give up, of our own free will, the Atomic Fireballs, Mega Warheads, and Bomb Pops. Allah willing, all we ask of our Yankee friends is to give up their grievous methods of torture: Jawbreakers, Shock Tarts, and the dreaded Coke and Pop Rocks combination. We humbly ask that children the world over sacrifice a bit of candy tastiness to combat terror."
Ani Al-Sniqr
It would appear that Al-Sniqr's plea has found broad support. In Singapore, children are deep in talks to eliminate candy canings. Dublin teenagers, known for their preference of liquor over sweets from the moment they leave the womb, are mulling a moratorium on Irish Car Bombs. Spree shootings are down in Los Angeles. And an unconfirmed report out of the Middle East suggests that Palestinian youth will soon pass an outright ban of rock candy. Breaking the law, we're told, will result in a violent, well-earned stoning.
It is hoped that this willful reduction in candy stock will avoid what experts feared would be a terror outbreak of Ferrara Pan-demic proportions. US children are said to have met the deal with initial resistance. However, when it was pointed out that they may now finally be able to go down the slide without their fat ass getting stuck halfway down, resulting in side-splitting laughter by many of their skinnier, more popular peers, they changed their mind.
President Bush is said to be very pleased with the recent announcement, as it shows that "Americans don't need to be told to sacrifice for the war effort - they do their part on their own."
In the end, Iranian kids
didn't trust themselves to
use these responsibly
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