What Would Jesus Do For A Klondike Bar? You'll Find Out Shortly!

VATICAN CITY and GREEN BAY, WI, May 18th - After 2004 years of praying to our Lord Jesus Christ, humanity had reason to believe that, well, Jesus was a figment of someone's imagination.

No longer.

In a celebrity sponsorship scheme for the ages, the Vatican has announced a partnership program with Klondike Ice Cream Company. After securing exclusive rights to the real-life Jesus for 2005, the Vatican will work closely with both Heaven and Klondike to improve the image of the Church as well as the Ice Cream company's bottom line.

The sponsorship, still in its development phase, looks to incorporate Jesus into a variety of advertisements from TV commercials to print and banner ads. With a rigorous press junket planned shortly after Easter 2005, Jesus is expected to be on Earth for two months before prior obligations require His return to Heaven.


Jesus, Our Lord and Savior,
Contemplating a Velvety-
Smooth Klondike Bar

"We're tremendously excited to welcome Jesus to the Klondike Team," Marvin Watson, VP of Marketing, said in a recent press conference. "With the recent spate of Jesus-positive media, we felt that He was a perfect complement to our brand. We're excited to see, for the first time, not only what Jesus actually looks like, but what He looks like earning Klondike Bars: you know, doing the chicken dance, rapping in Polish, or my personal favorite, telling off-color jokes."

When asked for comment, Cardinal Abruzzi, Vatican spokesman, stated that "We felt that Catholicism had taken a real hit in the last year with the various scandals. As an institution, the Church's approval rating was only slighter higher than Janet Jackson's new Damila Jo album. Frankly, we'd never really lived down the whole "sun revolving around the earth" issue from a few centuries ago. What better way to score some points by bringing back the Son of God? And what could be better than to combine His Holiness with a milk chocolate shell and creamy vanilla ice cream? I can't reveal too much, but what I can tell you is that you better be prepared for the hilarity that is Jesus doing jumping jacks and screaming at the top of His lungs."


If all goes according to plan,
Jesus will be enjoying
one of these shortly

Initial word has Jesus attending the premiere of "Klondike: The Very Last Temptation of Christ" next May at Mann's Chinese Theatre in Hollywood as the kick-off to the marketing campaign. There, it is expected that Jesus Himself will make a short "comeback" speech, sit and watch the movie, and then do jumping jacks and scream at the top of His lungs in order to earn His first Klondike Bar in two millenia. He is then expected to make His way over to the premiere party.

As of press time, Jesus was unavailable for comment.

The New Marketing Campaign from Klondike