Monday, November 09, 2020
Friday, December 30, 2011
2011 Music Recap / My 10 Favorite Albums
2011 proved to be a banner year for music. For crying out loud, hell froze over and the Stone Roses reformed! I even bought tickets to see the La's in 2012! There were many excellent albums, to be sure, but It was hands down the best year for live music I've ever experienced ... where to begin?
Drinking crummy whiskey in the middle of a farm watching "surprise" guest Pulp play Glastonbury for perhaps the last time was a lifetime highlight for sure. And then catching all three public performances of Radiohead this year was pretty great too. Front row at U2's show at the Meadowlands, probably the single best show of my life, as well as their show at Glastonbury. Fleet Foxes at the Williamsburg Waterfront. Singing Don McLean's American Pie with 100,000 others on a hot summer day. Seeing Coldplay and Noel Gallagher perform for Brits instead of Americans and how it changes hearing those songs. Plan B. OMD. Beach House. The National several times. Wilco. Interpol. Erasure.
Seems I've lost count. More interestingly, this was the year that I discovered several new bands I expect to listen to quite a bit over the next few years. Many of them made my top 10 ...
1. Beirut - The Rip Tide
http://hypem.com/item/1cxaz/Beirut+-+Payne's+Bay
This album ended up becoming the late summer soundtrack for the Burg household. Seems I only heard this playing in the kitchen. The Rip Tide several times comes close to dissolving into being overly cute or fussy, but it never does. Better yet, it's an album full of great songs in the right order, none of which I ever feel like skipping.
2. Let England Shake - PJ Harvey
http://hypem.com/item/191gs/PJ+Harvey+-+On+Battleship+Hill
PJ Harvey has always been a hit-or-miss proposition for me, but this album succeeds on so many levels that it's forced me to reconsider the rest of her catalog. This album probably appeals to me on a literary and historical level as much as the music - it's equally a critique on contemporary England as it is on war. I suspect of all the albums on this list, this is the one I will be listening to 10 years from now.
3. Fleet Foxes - Helplessness Blues
http://hypem.com/item/1a5qt/Fleet+Foxes+-+Grown+Ocean
In the old days, your musical heroes had a aura of mystery about them. Maybe you got to go backstage or get an autograph if you were lucky. Today, everyone seems knowable and I think we've lost something in the equation. Ironically, lead singer Robin Pecknold seems utterly knowable - he occasionally posts on a Radiohead fan message board I read from time to time. He was brutally honest about the emotional price he paid about recording Helplessness Blues in a way that didn't seem self-serving or corny. Anyway, reading about the recording process opened up this album for me. They are one of the great American live bands; for them the sky is the limit.
4. The Vaccines - What Did You Expect from the Vaccines?
http://hypem.com/item/1drqj/The+Vaccines+-+If+You+Wanna
When I knew Nicola and I were going to Glastonbury 2011 and the performing bands starting getting announced, I had heard about the Vaccines being a pretty up-and-coming band in the UK. I started listening to them a bit ... but when my friend Jill turned If You Wanna up to eleven in Brandy Collin's car, driving to Glastonbury ... going 90 mph in her BMW ... on a sunny June day in England ... it became one of those life experiences you don't forget. Hell, my kids instantly liked the song. Anyway, the whole album is great fun and makes me think of Interpol had they decided to lighten up a bit. To Jill's credit, it's a great album for a road trip.
5. The Antlers - Burst Apart
http://hypem.com/item/1gk2y/The+Antlers+-+No+Widows
I didn't really buy into the hype about this band when their first album Hospice came out. To me it seemed like an album by torture survivors, for torture survivors. Well, label me a survivor - Burst Apart doesn't sound much happier than Hospice but I love it. Of all the great songs on the album I think No Widows is the best, culminating in the album's best moment at the 2:30 mark.
6. Cults - Cults
http://hypem.com/item/1akzh/Cults+-+Abducted
Cults are a band that are throwback, derivative and gimmicky. The album - my guess their first and last - is about cult leaders. Worse yet, they were supposedly on the Glastonbury bill but either didn't show up or weren't invited in the first place. But jeez - the songs are pretty awesome. I kinda hope they go out in a blaze of glory and end on a high note.
7. Radiohead - King of Limbs
http://hypem.com/item/1ctvs/Radiohead+-+Lotus+Flower+(6.24.11)
This song is from their Glastonbury performance. Unlike the two NYC Roseland performances, I was about 8,000 yards from the stage for this one, listening to speakers that may have been rivalled only by an AM clock radio. But here's the thing about Radiohead - we all know that they're going to play these songs live better than they did on the record. That's been the case probably since OK Computer. It seemed to me that they didn't try to put the best version of these songs on the studio album. So if you can get your hands on it, pick up the forthcoming DVD of Radiohead's "In the Basement" performance of this album. For one, it has their best recent new song - Staircase. But I do think every single song on that version of the album is an improvement on the original.
8. Noel Gallagher's High Flying Birds - S/T
http://hypem.com/item/1f03w/Noel+Gallagher+-+Aka...+Broken+Arrow
Not much to say other than hands down the proof where the talent in the Gallagher family resides. I have high hopes for Noel G's solo career, especially seeing him last month at the Beacon. Maybe it's Dad Rock, but I'm a dad.
9. Washed Out - Within and Without
http://hypem.com/item/1ccfx/Washed+Out+-+Amor+Fati
This is a great example of how the music industry has changed over the last 5 years. The labels no longer seek out and develop new acts like they used to. The quality of music recording software has evolved to the point where a guy like Ernest Greene, a twenty-something recent library sciences graduate who started writing music to offset the fact he wasn't likely to find a job anytime soon, can put out an album like this. Amor Fati is probably the single best song I heard all year. But bands like Cut Copy and Electric President follow Greene's experience, have become self-taught, and are successes in music's new "long tail" model. I'm happy about this.
10. The Pierces - You and I
http://hypem.com/item/1ekw8/The+Pierces+-+Kissing+You+Goodbye
Produced by Coldplay's bassist and featuring two Alabama sisters who do their best to write ABBA tunes, here's another album that could have doomed before I listened to it. But good songs are good songs and this album features plenty along with obvious top production skills. I thought about actually putting the Coldplay album Mylo Xyloto in the #10 spot, as it does feature three songs that are as good as anything they've done, but I simply like this album better.
Drinking crummy whiskey in the middle of a farm watching "surprise" guest Pulp play Glastonbury for perhaps the last time was a lifetime highlight for sure. And then catching all three public performances of Radiohead this year was pretty great too. Front row at U2's show at the Meadowlands, probably the single best show of my life, as well as their show at Glastonbury. Fleet Foxes at the Williamsburg Waterfront. Singing Don McLean's American Pie with 100,000 others on a hot summer day. Seeing Coldplay and Noel Gallagher perform for Brits instead of Americans and how it changes hearing those songs. Plan B. OMD. Beach House. The National several times. Wilco. Interpol. Erasure.
Seems I've lost count. More interestingly, this was the year that I discovered several new bands I expect to listen to quite a bit over the next few years. Many of them made my top 10 ...
1. Beirut - The Rip Tide
http://hypem.com/item/1cxaz/Beirut+-+Payne's+Bay
This album ended up becoming the late summer soundtrack for the Burg household. Seems I only heard this playing in the kitchen. The Rip Tide several times comes close to dissolving into being overly cute or fussy, but it never does. Better yet, it's an album full of great songs in the right order, none of which I ever feel like skipping.
2. Let England Shake - PJ Harvey
http://hypem.com/item/191gs/PJ+Harvey+-+On+Battleship+Hill
PJ Harvey has always been a hit-or-miss proposition for me, but this album succeeds on so many levels that it's forced me to reconsider the rest of her catalog. This album probably appeals to me on a literary and historical level as much as the music - it's equally a critique on contemporary England as it is on war. I suspect of all the albums on this list, this is the one I will be listening to 10 years from now.
3. Fleet Foxes - Helplessness Blues
http://hypem.com/item/1a5qt/Fleet+Foxes+-+Grown+Ocean
In the old days, your musical heroes had a aura of mystery about them. Maybe you got to go backstage or get an autograph if you were lucky. Today, everyone seems knowable and I think we've lost something in the equation. Ironically, lead singer Robin Pecknold seems utterly knowable - he occasionally posts on a Radiohead fan message board I read from time to time. He was brutally honest about the emotional price he paid about recording Helplessness Blues in a way that didn't seem self-serving or corny. Anyway, reading about the recording process opened up this album for me. They are one of the great American live bands; for them the sky is the limit.
4. The Vaccines - What Did You Expect from the Vaccines?
http://hypem.com/item/1drqj/The+Vaccines+-+If+You+Wanna
When I knew Nicola and I were going to Glastonbury 2011 and the performing bands starting getting announced, I had heard about the Vaccines being a pretty up-and-coming band in the UK. I started listening to them a bit ... but when my friend Jill turned If You Wanna up to eleven in Brandy Collin's car, driving to Glastonbury ... going 90 mph in her BMW ... on a sunny June day in England ... it became one of those life experiences you don't forget. Hell, my kids instantly liked the song. Anyway, the whole album is great fun and makes me think of Interpol had they decided to lighten up a bit. To Jill's credit, it's a great album for a road trip.
5. The Antlers - Burst Apart
http://hypem.com/item/1gk2y/The+Antlers+-+No+Widows
I didn't really buy into the hype about this band when their first album Hospice came out. To me it seemed like an album by torture survivors, for torture survivors. Well, label me a survivor - Burst Apart doesn't sound much happier than Hospice but I love it. Of all the great songs on the album I think No Widows is the best, culminating in the album's best moment at the 2:30 mark.
6. Cults - Cults
http://hypem.com/item/1akzh/Cults+-+Abducted
Cults are a band that are throwback, derivative and gimmicky. The album - my guess their first and last - is about cult leaders. Worse yet, they were supposedly on the Glastonbury bill but either didn't show up or weren't invited in the first place. But jeez - the songs are pretty awesome. I kinda hope they go out in a blaze of glory and end on a high note.
7. Radiohead - King of Limbs
http://hypem.com/item/1ctvs/Radiohead+-+Lotus+Flower+(6.24.11)
This song is from their Glastonbury performance. Unlike the two NYC Roseland performances, I was about 8,000 yards from the stage for this one, listening to speakers that may have been rivalled only by an AM clock radio. But here's the thing about Radiohead - we all know that they're going to play these songs live better than they did on the record. That's been the case probably since OK Computer. It seemed to me that they didn't try to put the best version of these songs on the studio album. So if you can get your hands on it, pick up the forthcoming DVD of Radiohead's "In the Basement" performance of this album. For one, it has their best recent new song - Staircase. But I do think every single song on that version of the album is an improvement on the original.
8. Noel Gallagher's High Flying Birds - S/T
http://hypem.com/item/1f03w/Noel+Gallagher+-+Aka...+Broken+Arrow
Not much to say other than hands down the proof where the talent in the Gallagher family resides. I have high hopes for Noel G's solo career, especially seeing him last month at the Beacon. Maybe it's Dad Rock, but I'm a dad.
9. Washed Out - Within and Without
http://hypem.com/item/1ccfx/Washed+Out+-+Amor+Fati
This is a great example of how the music industry has changed over the last 5 years. The labels no longer seek out and develop new acts like they used to. The quality of music recording software has evolved to the point where a guy like Ernest Greene, a twenty-something recent library sciences graduate who started writing music to offset the fact he wasn't likely to find a job anytime soon, can put out an album like this. Amor Fati is probably the single best song I heard all year. But bands like Cut Copy and Electric President follow Greene's experience, have become self-taught, and are successes in music's new "long tail" model. I'm happy about this.
10. The Pierces - You and I
http://hypem.com/item/1ekw8/The+Pierces+-+Kissing+You+Goodbye
Produced by Coldplay's bassist and featuring two Alabama sisters who do their best to write ABBA tunes, here's another album that could have doomed before I listened to it. But good songs are good songs and this album features plenty along with obvious top production skills. I thought about actually putting the Coldplay album Mylo Xyloto in the #10 spot, as it does feature three songs that are as good as anything they've done, but I simply like this album better.
Wednesday, April 06, 2011
My parents are actually closet liberals!
 |
| Dad? |
It's only recently, say in the last 7 years or so, where my parents have exposed themselves as Republicans. To be fair, it was apparent my dad was in that camp well before my mother, but at the same time it's only been the last few years where I cared.
There's been massive cognitive dissonance with the whole thing, because whereas it seems predictable that my parents would be conservative at this point in their life, I also think about all the experiences they pretty much forced on me to become a better human being. So it's a bit disappointing that not only have I not rebelled against these experiences, I've embraced them ... only to be told I'm an idiot. Little memories like:
- we moved to England so my dad could be a human resources asset for a pharma company
- my dad taught me soccer, and participated in an English rugby club
- my grandmother - my mom's mom - her second husband married an educator who went on to be head of a public institution - President of Indiana University.
- my dad pronounces French words with a French accent, which is incredibly irritating. Dad - it's not "Fronce."
- he also reads a lot of books. And uses big words ... in their proper context.
- we moved to the Chicago suburb of Park Ridge, IL known for its police and fire department unions, not to mention the hometown of Hillary Clinton.
- we then moved to Fairfield County CT, to a little town known for its artistic community. Weston is known as the home of Judy Blume for crying out loud.
- During the 1980 Reagan election landslide, my parents told us they didn't vote for Reagan, or Carter - but John Anderson.
- we were a book-reading family with interest in the arts, including jazz
- I played trombone in the school jazz band and wore the marching band costume in parades
- I was encouraged to try out for the school play and was cast as Binnacle, Admiral Boom's loyal sidekick - a bit part in Mary Poppins.
- once we were in Weston a while my mom and dad befriended the police force ... as we all went bowling
- I was encouraged to go to college in Madison, Wisconsin
- I then moved to California and eventually to NYC - all the while my parents praising how great those two locations are.
I can only conclude my parents are closet liberals.
Friday, December 24, 2010
The 11 favorite albums of the year
Some people have been asking me to write up a year-end review of my favorite albums of the year. I think 2010 was the best year for music in a long time; lots of things stood out. A great mix of new bands, bands I had heard of but not paid attention to, others who turned the corner artistically ... and one more or less forgotten band who had another surprise in them. The following are my top 11 albums with my favorite track included from each. (I had ten, but overlooked #11 which deserved inclusion)
1. Beach House - Teen Dream
This 2-piece band from Baltimore released their third album at the beginning of the year. And though Teen Dream shares a style with the previous two albums, it's the songwriting that took a major leap forward. Zebra is the first track from the album - and from the first note is pretty mesmerizing. Silver Soul features a lyric that becomes haunting as it's repeated "It is happening again ..." Not to mention, their live show is well worth checking out.
2. The National - High Violet
Originally from Cincinnati, this band packed up and moved to Brooklyn in 1999. And it wasn't until the album Alligator that they collectively quit their day jobs, sure that the music business would sustain itself. This is the fourth album in a row that (to my ears) is appreciably better than the last. This is not a band who goes into the studio for three days and puts out an album. Rather, the songs on this album are painstakingly recorded and perfected. Lemonworld alone apparently had a hard-to-believe 200 takes. Afraid of Everyone, featuring Sufjan Stevens on backing vocals, conjures the protectiveness and paranoia a dad can feel sometimes.
Ill-considered complaints of the album being "too mopey" aside, it's a true start-to-finish album, though I wouldn't listen to this if I needed a "pick-me-up." Probably the best tracklist order of the year. The last half of England feels like the emotional end of the album, but what follows next is a pretty perfect coda.
3. Duran Duran - All You Need is Now
Yes, I'm as shocked as you are that Duran Duran is even still making music, let alone albums that would rank this high on my list. This album, released just under the 2010 bell on 12/21, sees the band team up with producer-of-the-moment Mark Ronson, an unabashed Duran Duran fan. His mission was to record the long-lost imagined follow up to Rio. There are four songs on here that would easily rank with the best songs they ever wrote. Girl Panic is the follow-up to Girls on Film I didn't expect, and am thrilled to get, and feels teleported from 1986. My feeling is this album will force people to reconsider Duran Duran's career, as it made me.
4. Deerhunter - Halcyon Digest
I've never been a big fan of these Atlanta-based guys, as I felt like to date they've paid more attention to style over substance in their songs. Certainly, pieces of songs from their previous albums were interesting, but I had yet to hear fully fleshed out songs from Deerhunter. This album changes that. Revival is one of three simple, direct, to-the-point pop songs that I keep coming back and listening to. Desire Lines is probably the centerpiece of the album - a song that builds and builds for almost 7 minutes. Helicopter is perhaps the most arresting of the songs.
5. Hans Zimmer - Soundtrack to Inception
My favorite movie of the year includes one of my all-time favorite soundtracks. Zimmer's music keeps the movie at an urgent, uncomfortable pace. Dream is Collapsing is the best song and is played at all my favorite parts of the movie. How amazing was the last 15 minutes of this movie, as four different action sequences are all happening simultaneously? Bonus: Johnny Marr adds some guitars to a few songs on this album.
6. Arcade Fire - The Suburbs
I finally saw AF in person at their first show at Madison Square Garden earlier this year. Every superlative about this band live is true. The thing I like about Arcade Fire is they perform, and create albums, with no hint of irony or subversion. They really do believe the shit they say. The world needs a few bands like that. Half Light I is the prettiest song on the album and sets up the second half of the album really well. Maybe the album is 2 or 3 songs too long but this is a challenging, impressive third album from a band who is likely here for the long haul.
7. Blonde Redhead - Penny Sparkle
Another band that has gotten consistently better over time. After the relative bombast of their last album 23, Penny Sparkle takes an introverted approach. This is an especially good album with a great pair of headphones. They lead with the song Black Guitar on tour, and the lead singer, Kazu Makino, wears a horse's mask and looks down as she sings. Talk about shy! The entire album has a slightly creepy, paranoid vibe to it. One of the most talented bands in the world when it comes to mood-setting.
8. The Walkmen - Lisbon
A fairly under-the-radar band who puts out consistently fine albums. Lisbon is a really warm, alive record. Elements like mariachi horns and spaghetti-western guitars add ambiance to the sound. That's the calling card of the Walkmen, one of the more detail-oriented bands I know. Lisbon is another in a long line of Walkmen albums to just press play and listen to.
9. Plan B - The Defamation of Strickland Banks
An even more left-field album than Duran Duran's, this is a concept album from a guy who prior to Defamation was known as the Eminem of the UK. With this album, Plan B reinvents himself as an R&B singer and sings about the character of Strickland Banks, who goes to jail for a crime he (seemingly) didn't commit. I heard She Said on British radio back in May and was like, "what the hell is this and how have I not heard this before?" Frankly, I'm surprised this album didn't make it in the US.
10. Broken Bells - Broken Bells
I would have had this album higher on the list had the year ended in June. A pretty pedestrian live show disappointed. But recently I've picked this back up and realized it's really pretty good. Vaporize is a great little track. Seems like James Mercer just needed a change of scenery and partnership to rediscover his talent in writing great songs after the Shins' last anemic album.
11. Electric President - The Violent Blue
A very underrated band led by a guy, Ben Cooper, who is involved in like 4 bands all told. Their latest album expands on Cooper's songwriting talents and contains several gems - none better than Nightmare No. 5 or 6. His other band, Radical Face, does a song called Welcome Home that is so great that I'm throwing it in here as a bonus: http://hypem.com/#!/item/14bz6/Radical+Face+-+Welcome+Home
Other bands I like who released albums this year that were at least pretty good:
Interpol - Interpol
James - The Morning After
Belle & Sebastian - Write about Love
Underworld - Barking
School of Seven Bells - Disconnect from Desire
Monday, October 18, 2010
Thoughts on Madison and the game
Nicola and I spent about 48 hours in Madison, on a weekend where the main attraction would be the Wisconsin-Ohio State game. But the entire weekend was full of flawless fall weather, and I've never seen the entire town wear so much red. The school spirit has been kicked up another level from when I was there in the 90s.
Friday night, after a nice dinner, we stopped at the Essen Haus, one of those places you have to take someone who has never been to Madison. Nicola's first question was "wait, people actually polka here?"
Saturday we made our way to the tailgate about 2:30, and 15 minutes later three guys show up with a bar they've built from scratch - on wheels, with two taps and room for a stereo. Impressive all by itself, but more impressive that they wheeled the thing two and a half miles down the road ... each way. Met a former Badger OL, Mike Bryant (?) who had some pretty funny stories about one of my all-time favorite Badgers, Tom Burke. Apparently Burke always operated in high gear ... Mike would say, allright Tom, let's practice pass pro, and Tom would treat Mike literally like he was the opposing team, frothing at the mouth and stuff. I guess that's offensive lineman humor for you.
After the requisite multiple cans of beer consumed, we took our tickets and got to the game. Sitting in the section right next to the students was great - people were really fired up. The team now enters the stadium to them blasting U2's "Where the Streets have No Name" and let me tell you, it got the entire stadium on its feet and absolutely ready to cheer its ass off. The team came blasting out of the tunnel. It was my first night game at Camp Randall but the atmosphere was absolutely electric. 81,000 people on their feet - and with the new stadium setup, it's much louder than it used to be. It was a flawless night for football - probably 65 and not a cloud in the sky at kickoff.
First play, Gilbreath takes it to the house. Hits the seam ... what was most surprising was that for all the vaunted "team speed" of OSU, Gilbreath created more distance between him and his chasers the longer he ran. Immediately, the game felt winnable. What was also surprising was that for all the accolades OSU gets for its D and especially its D line, the Badger offensive linemen blew them off the ball all game long. I've not seen us dominate a supposed top defense like that probably in my entire lifetime.
Two more scores, and we're up 21-0. The text messages are flying in ... "WTF?" "Badgers!!!" "21-0, WTF". But you knew deep down this game wasn't going to be that easy.
For all of the third quarter and to start the fourth, we were getting beat like a rented mule. I figured 'Jump Around' would get the crowd back into it, but overwhelming nervousness about squandering this great chance to win took over. Keep in mind OSU had the ball for all but about 3 mins for the first 18 minutes of the second half. The Buckeyes score, and convert the two-pointer, and it's 21-18. How typical is this scene for the Badgers? But then, one of the great drives I've ever seen got started. 73 yards, 10 plays, great mix of run and pass ... culminated in a TD from our best freshman running back since Ron Dayne. James White is the real deal, and we've got him for three more years. Damn. We might actually win this game after all.
Fast forward to 30 seconds left in the game. The PA announcer says "to all students in sections M, N, O and P, stay in your seats at the end of the game." Mass booing - but I recall what happened in 1993 against Michigan, where lots of people got crushed and several girls almost died. This time, though, they did the smart thing and had the cops actually help people over the railing to avoid people getting hurt. And eventually every student who wanted to be on the field did so - the entire field at one point was pretty much covered with fans. Loud cheering went on for probably another 15 minutes, and it was amazing to see the student body that fired up.
The tailgate picked up where it left off ... we were there til about midnight, then went over to Jingles (or whatever it's called now) til 2, then walked all the way back to the hotel. State Street was still full of revelers. You gotta love Madison.
Speaking of Madison, a lot has changed. Many businesses have turned over in the last 10 years. Probably the most disappointing is that Stillwaters is now ... a Cosi. Ugh. But it's still the same town.
Nicola and I spent about 48 hours in Madison, on a weekend where the main attraction would be the Wisconsin-Ohio State game. But the entire weekend was full of flawless fall weather, and I've never seen the entire town wear so much red. The school spirit has been kicked up another level from when I was there in the 90s.
Friday night, after a nice dinner, we stopped at the Essen Haus, one of those places you have to take someone who has never been to Madison. Nicola's first question was "wait, people actually polka here?"
After the requisite multiple cans of beer consumed, we took our tickets and got to the game. Sitting in the section right next to the students was great - people were really fired up. The team now enters the stadium to them blasting U2's "Where the Streets have No Name" and let me tell you, it got the entire stadium on its feet and absolutely ready to cheer its ass off. The team came blasting out of the tunnel. It was my first night game at Camp Randall but the atmosphere was absolutely electric. 81,000 people on their feet - and with the new stadium setup, it's much louder than it used to be. It was a flawless night for football - probably 65 and not a cloud in the sky at kickoff.
First play, Gilbreath takes it to the house. Hits the seam ... what was most surprising was that for all the vaunted "team speed" of OSU, Gilbreath created more distance between him and his chasers the longer he ran. Immediately, the game felt winnable. What was also surprising was that for all the accolades OSU gets for its D and especially its D line, the Badger offensive linemen blew them off the ball all game long. I've not seen us dominate a supposed top defense like that probably in my entire lifetime.
Two more scores, and we're up 21-0. The text messages are flying in ... "WTF?" "Badgers!!!" "21-0, WTF". But you knew deep down this game wasn't going to be that easy.
For all of the third quarter and to start the fourth, we were getting beat like a rented mule. I figured 'Jump Around' would get the crowd back into it, but overwhelming nervousness about squandering this great chance to win took over. Keep in mind OSU had the ball for all but about 3 mins for the first 18 minutes of the second half. The Buckeyes score, and convert the two-pointer, and it's 21-18. How typical is this scene for the Badgers? But then, one of the great drives I've ever seen got started. 73 yards, 10 plays, great mix of run and pass ... culminated in a TD from our best freshman running back since Ron Dayne. James White is the real deal, and we've got him for three more years. Damn. We might actually win this game after all.
Fast forward to 30 seconds left in the game. The PA announcer says "to all students in sections M, N, O and P, stay in your seats at the end of the game." Mass booing - but I recall what happened in 1993 against Michigan, where lots of people got crushed and several girls almost died. This time, though, they did the smart thing and had the cops actually help people over the railing to avoid people getting hurt. And eventually every student who wanted to be on the field did so - the entire field at one point was pretty much covered with fans. Loud cheering went on for probably another 15 minutes, and it was amazing to see the student body that fired up.
The tailgate picked up where it left off ... we were there til about midnight, then went over to Jingles (or whatever it's called now) til 2, then walked all the way back to the hotel. State Street was still full of revelers. You gotta love Madison.
Speaking of Madison, a lot has changed. Many businesses have turned over in the last 10 years. Probably the most disappointing is that Stillwaters is now ... a Cosi. Ugh. But it's still the same town.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Friday, January 20, 2006
Mel Gibson Back "In It For the Money"
HOLLYWOOD, CA January 21 - Citing a "three-year bender", Mel Gibson has announced that he is, from now on, going balls-out for the money. According to his publicist, he is "no longer fucking around and he is ready to start killing it."
Lethal Weapon 19; Mad Max: Beyond Some Old Dusty Town and a romantic comedy named "Passion for the Almighty (Dollar)" are all in pre-production. A prequel to Conspiracy Theory is rumored to be in search of funding as well.
Mr. Gibson, moments after coming to
Mr Gibson explains: "When I was finally able to see straight, two things immediately came to my attention. One, my bank account had $750 million fucking dollars in it. Secondly, I was told - and this I don't yet believe - that I actually got a film to be made in Aramaic. Aramaic! Behold the power of the bottle, my fuckin' friends!
When told that Lethal Weapons 5 through 18 had not yet been made, Gibson gave the reporter a Wet Willie.
Lethal Weapon 19; Mad Max: Beyond Some Old Dusty Town and a romantic comedy named "Passion for the Almighty (Dollar)" are all in pre-production. A prequel to Conspiracy Theory is rumored to be in search of funding as well.
Mr. Gibson, moments after coming to
Mr Gibson explains: "When I was finally able to see straight, two things immediately came to my attention. One, my bank account had $750 million fucking dollars in it. Secondly, I was told - and this I don't yet believe - that I actually got a film to be made in Aramaic. Aramaic! Behold the power of the bottle, my fuckin' friends!
When told that Lethal Weapons 5 through 18 had not yet been made, Gibson gave the reporter a Wet Willie.
World's Kids To Do Their Part on War Against Terror
GENEVA, January 20th -- In a historical accord between children of 27 nations, it has been announced that kids from Iran to Ireland will immediately cease and desist the stockpiling of weapons of mass digestion. The peace treaty, should it be ratified, will be signed on February 21st, and is sponsored by Life Savers Brand.
Ani Al-Sniqr, 6 years old and spokeskid for Persians Against Candy Konflict, said "Today we give up, of our own free will, the Atomic Fireballs, Mega Warheads, and Bomb Pops. Allah willing, all we ask of our Yankee friends is to give up their grievous methods of torture: Jawbreakers, Shock Tarts, and the dreaded Coke and Pop Rocks combination. We humbly ask that children the world over sacrifice a bit of candy tastiness to combat terror."
Ani Al-Sniqr
It would appear that Al-Sniqr's plea has found broad support. In Singapore, children are deep in talks to eliminate candy canings. Dublin teenagers, known for their preference of liquor over sweets from the moment they leave the womb, are mulling a moratorium on Irish Car Bombs. Spree shootings are down in Los Angeles. And an unconfirmed report out of the Middle East suggests that Palestinian youth will soon pass an outright ban of rock candy. Breaking the law, we're told, will result in a violent, well-earned stoning.
It is hoped that this willful reduction in candy stock will avoid what experts feared would be a terror outbreak of Ferrara Pan-demic proportions. US children are said to have met the deal with initial resistance. However, when it was pointed out that they may now finally be able to go down the slide without their fat ass getting stuck halfway down, resulting in side-splitting laughter by many of their skinnier, more popular peers, they changed their mind.
President Bush is said to be very pleased with the recent announcement, as it shows that "Americans don't need to be told to sacrifice for the war effort - they do their part on their own."
In the end, Iranian kids
didn't trust themselves to
use these responsibly
Ani Al-Sniqr, 6 years old and spokeskid for Persians Against Candy Konflict, said "Today we give up, of our own free will, the Atomic Fireballs, Mega Warheads, and Bomb Pops. Allah willing, all we ask of our Yankee friends is to give up their grievous methods of torture: Jawbreakers, Shock Tarts, and the dreaded Coke and Pop Rocks combination. We humbly ask that children the world over sacrifice a bit of candy tastiness to combat terror."
Ani Al-Sniqr
It would appear that Al-Sniqr's plea has found broad support. In Singapore, children are deep in talks to eliminate candy canings. Dublin teenagers, known for their preference of liquor over sweets from the moment they leave the womb, are mulling a moratorium on Irish Car Bombs. Spree shootings are down in Los Angeles. And an unconfirmed report out of the Middle East suggests that Palestinian youth will soon pass an outright ban of rock candy. Breaking the law, we're told, will result in a violent, well-earned stoning.
It is hoped that this willful reduction in candy stock will avoid what experts feared would be a terror outbreak of Ferrara Pan-demic proportions. US children are said to have met the deal with initial resistance. However, when it was pointed out that they may now finally be able to go down the slide without their fat ass getting stuck halfway down, resulting in side-splitting laughter by many of their skinnier, more popular peers, they changed their mind.
President Bush is said to be very pleased with the recent announcement, as it shows that "Americans don't need to be told to sacrifice for the war effort - they do their part on their own."
In the end, Iranian kids
didn't trust themselves to
use these responsibly
FOX TV Misunderstands, Succumbs to Hybrid Craze
JJ "Good Times" Walker to Feature in Sixth Season of 24. 
Saturday, May 07, 2005
Saturday, February 12, 2005
New Product Fails to Take Off
On Monday, executives from Tele-Chek, Inc., the company that verifies customer information for writing checks at retail establishments, announced that its latest product line was to be discontinued, and 500 jobs would be eliminated immediately.
"In a brainstorming meeting last year," said Eugene Banks, CEO, Tele-Chek, "we came up with a few ideas that we considered to be excellent choices for a brand extension. But we could only pick one. We thought about financial products like Cancel-Chek, Redy-Chek, and Take-a-Chek. Then there were the non-financial ideas like Rain-Chek, Chek-Please, and the urban-influenced idea, called Chek-Yo'self. I think that was supposed to be a pocket mirror or something. Nice idea. But one really leapt out and we're disappointed it didn't do better: Spell-Chek."
"In a brainstorming meeting last year," said Eugene Banks, CEO, Tele-Chek, "we came up with a few ideas that we considered to be excellent choices for a brand extension. But we could only pick one. We thought about financial products like Cancel-Chek, Redy-Chek, and Take-a-Chek. Then there were the non-financial ideas like Rain-Chek, Chek-Please, and the urban-influenced idea, called Chek-Yo'self. I think that was supposed to be a pocket mirror or something. Nice idea. But one really leapt out and we're disappointed it didn't do better: Spell-Chek."
Tuesday, February 01, 2005
Move Over SpongeBob: There's a New Homo in Town!
West Hollywood, CA February 1, 2005
With the recent media uproar that SpongeBob SquarePants is, indeed, a flaming homosexual, the closet has been pulled open for another former family favorite.
Bi-Curious George.
"Look, it was 1974, and I needed a job, said George, 58 years old. I went in to the Houghton Mifflin offices and pitched the idea of a monkey on the fence about his sexuality. Some tightwad at that meeting - I don't remember his name - thought it would be funnier if it were just 'Curious' George. I needed some money; what's a monkey to do, man?"
With the recent media uproar that SpongeBob SquarePants is, indeed, a flaming homosexual, the closet has been pulled open for another former family favorite.
Bi-Curious George.
"Look, it was 1974, and I needed a job, said George, 58 years old. I went in to the Houghton Mifflin offices and pitched the idea of a monkey on the fence about his sexuality. Some tightwad at that meeting - I don't remember his name - thought it would be funnier if it were just 'Curious' George. I needed some money; what's a monkey to do, man?"
Tuesday, June 01, 2004
New Combover Technique To Inspire Nation's Bald
As the backhanded compliment to bald men everywhere goes, 'grass never grows on a busy street.' But, let's face it, once in a while, you'll get a little grass growing on the sidewalks. Right?
With that simple realization, resourceful cueballs across America saw their opportunity. Cunningly, many took that grass growing on their left "sidewalk" and combed it over to the sidewalk across the street. Busy streets, be damned! And let's face it, the deception worked; those with an uncritical eye were totally fooled. If you heard it once, you heard it a thousand times: How was she supposed to know baldie had a chrome-dome?
The old technique, once
considered "foolproof"
Once the "comb-over" was invented, at first it was lights out and thank you ma'am for the bald set. Whether you were Joe Q. Public, or Mayor Giuliani, the combover enabled the bald to keep membership in Club Fabio. Statistics showed almost no disparity in sexual activity, salary, or even friends, between the hairless and the hirsute. Unfair, some said.
Then it all came crashing down.
In a shocking expose first revealed on Dateline NBC in 1997, some bald 'turncoats' revealed their secret. They were giving the illusion of a full head of hair by growing a patch of very long hair above one ear and combing it over the top of the head. The nation audibly gasped. To be bald in '97, well, you might as well have been dead.
And dead to the dating scene they were, until now. Get ready for the bald man's new best friend: the Geezer Caesar.
To review: a normal Caesar haircut is when the hair is trimmed and combed forward in a neat, clean manner. The Geezer Caesar, on the other hand, is accomplished by letting the back-of-the-head hair grow to an appropriate length, and combing it forward, in some cases as far as the eyebrows. With the right touch, the right hair gel, and avoidance of a stiff breeze, the new hairstyle is virtually undetectable.
Many experts see a triple threat taking over the nation: baby boomers, Viagra, and the new Geezer Caesar. Women, at first glance, are universally appalled. Cologne sales are up, as are gold chains and blazer/t-shirt duos.
With that simple realization, resourceful cueballs across America saw their opportunity. Cunningly, many took that grass growing on their left "sidewalk" and combed it over to the sidewalk across the street. Busy streets, be damned! And let's face it, the deception worked; those with an uncritical eye were totally fooled. If you heard it once, you heard it a thousand times: How was she supposed to know baldie had a chrome-dome?
The old technique, once
considered "foolproof"
Once the "comb-over" was invented, at first it was lights out and thank you ma'am for the bald set. Whether you were Joe Q. Public, or Mayor Giuliani, the combover enabled the bald to keep membership in Club Fabio. Statistics showed almost no disparity in sexual activity, salary, or even friends, between the hairless and the hirsute. Unfair, some said.
Then it all came crashing down.
In a shocking expose first revealed on Dateline NBC in 1997, some bald 'turncoats' revealed their secret. They were giving the illusion of a full head of hair by growing a patch of very long hair above one ear and combing it over the top of the head. The nation audibly gasped. To be bald in '97, well, you might as well have been dead.
And dead to the dating scene they were, until now. Get ready for the bald man's new best friend: the Geezer Caesar.
To review: a normal Caesar haircut is when the hair is trimmed and combed forward in a neat, clean manner. The Geezer Caesar, on the other hand, is accomplished by letting the back-of-the-head hair grow to an appropriate length, and combing it forward, in some cases as far as the eyebrows. With the right touch, the right hair gel, and avoidance of a stiff breeze, the new hairstyle is virtually undetectable.
Many experts see a triple threat taking over the nation: baby boomers, Viagra, and the new Geezer Caesar. Women, at first glance, are universally appalled. Cologne sales are up, as are gold chains and blazer/t-shirt duos.
Sunday, May 23, 2004
Houston's, Chili's, Bennigan's Merge Operations: New Mega-Chain To Be Named "Hooligans"
Jersey City, NJ - For years, what have restaurants Houston's, Chili's, and Bennigan's shared in common?
Overpriced food, overly friendly service, and - time and time again - getting their lunch handed to them by 800-pound gorilla TGI Friday's.
Talk to management of any of the three completely interchangeable, instantly forgettable restaurants, and you hear a similar refrain: enough was enough. Now they're doing something about it.
In what experts are calling the largest merger ever in the food and beverage industry, Houston's, Chili's, and Bennigan's will close their doors immediately and by early August, reopen under the new "Hooligans" brand name.
The new, "no-nonsense" logo
The new restaurant, in an attempt to shed the humdrum, dime-a-dozen personality of its three predecessors, will be known for its value-priced menu, served to customers by an uncaring, belligerent staff.
"We'd just gotten fed up with being the red-headed stepchild [in the restaurant business]", commented Frank diPizio, COO, of Bennigan's Inc. "As it turns out, I ran into some executives from Chili's and Houston's at a recent trade show. Maybe we'd had a little too much to drink, but after a few hours of griping at the hotel bar, we said we had to do something. Friday's has been kicking our ass for years. And 'Hooligans', I am proud to say, is the result of not wanting to be kicked around anymore."
The new corporate management team is interviewing regional managers now and hopes to have staff in place at each Hooligans location by mid-July. A three-week training course will ensue. After a team-building trip to get their heads shaved, prospective waiters will then be trained in such areas as staredowns, smashing people over the head cleanly with beer bottles, and affecting indecipherable cockney accents. They'll also learn how to carry a large tray of food while blindingly drunk.
Not everyone is convinced.
"If they think they can con the American public into eating greasy fried food in a sterile setting with a staff that couldn't care less about them, they've got another thing coming" said Brian Murphy, General Manager of the Appleby's on Main St. in Morristown, NJ.
Meet the new waitstaff at Hooligans'
flagship location in Times Square, NYC!
One woman seemed to be in favor of the new idea. "It sounds great!", offers Pam Snodgrass of Bergen County, NJ, mother of 4 boys. "Not only do I get to save a couple bucks, but if any of my own little 'hooligans' acts up, I can ask for an assist from one of the waiters. Personally, I'm excited."
Company officials expect that just under 1500 restaurants will be opened under the Hooligans name in August, with another 100 opening by year's end.
Overpriced food, overly friendly service, and - time and time again - getting their lunch handed to them by 800-pound gorilla TGI Friday's.
Talk to management of any of the three completely interchangeable, instantly forgettable restaurants, and you hear a similar refrain: enough was enough. Now they're doing something about it.
In what experts are calling the largest merger ever in the food and beverage industry, Houston's, Chili's, and Bennigan's will close their doors immediately and by early August, reopen under the new "Hooligans" brand name.
The new, "no-nonsense" logo
The new restaurant, in an attempt to shed the humdrum, dime-a-dozen personality of its three predecessors, will be known for its value-priced menu, served to customers by an uncaring, belligerent staff.
"We'd just gotten fed up with being the red-headed stepchild [in the restaurant business]", commented Frank diPizio, COO, of Bennigan's Inc. "As it turns out, I ran into some executives from Chili's and Houston's at a recent trade show. Maybe we'd had a little too much to drink, but after a few hours of griping at the hotel bar, we said we had to do something. Friday's has been kicking our ass for years. And 'Hooligans', I am proud to say, is the result of not wanting to be kicked around anymore."
The new corporate management team is interviewing regional managers now and hopes to have staff in place at each Hooligans location by mid-July. A three-week training course will ensue. After a team-building trip to get their heads shaved, prospective waiters will then be trained in such areas as staredowns, smashing people over the head cleanly with beer bottles, and affecting indecipherable cockney accents. They'll also learn how to carry a large tray of food while blindingly drunk.
Not everyone is convinced.
"If they think they can con the American public into eating greasy fried food in a sterile setting with a staff that couldn't care less about them, they've got another thing coming" said Brian Murphy, General Manager of the Appleby's on Main St. in Morristown, NJ.
Meet the new waitstaff at Hooligans'
flagship location in Times Square, NYC!
One woman seemed to be in favor of the new idea. "It sounds great!", offers Pam Snodgrass of Bergen County, NJ, mother of 4 boys. "Not only do I get to save a couple bucks, but if any of my own little 'hooligans' acts up, I can ask for an assist from one of the waiters. Personally, I'm excited."
Company officials expect that just under 1500 restaurants will be opened under the Hooligans name in August, with another 100 opening by year's end.
Friday, May 21, 2004
Editorial: They Did Not Fire The Doorman Like I Asked Them To!
By Leah Greenberg
Three weeks ago I specifically asked Mr. Gonzalez to be around on Sunday May 16th to help me with a delivery. I needed him to help carry up 6 boxes of packing bubbles to my parent's storage studio in our Upper West Side building.
My school is having a science project week and I needed these bubbles for my super-secret project. Last year, the winning project got the winner into Princeton. I mean, it might have had something to do with the fact that that kid was a total dork, but I need to get into an Ivy league school and my grades alone is not going to get me in there.
So, I reminded the doorman again and again, to the point where he would say "Audrey, when is that delivery again" and start laughing in that fat little man sort of way that really annoys me. Plus I don't like the fact that he's sometimes checking out my ass in the mirror. My mother says not to worry, that in the Puerto Rican culture it is considered a compliment or something.
Anyway, so on Sunday, the buzzer rings and it's the delivery guys. They're downstairs. I go downstairs, a little hung over from the night before, so I'm already cranky, and Mr. Gonzalez is not there! I ask the other guy, who is 82 years old (I think he played Blue in Old School but I am not sure) and he says that Hector had to take his daughter to Sunday School.
What the fuck? Sunday school?
Three weeks ago I specifically asked Mr. Gonzalez to be around on Sunday May 16th to help me with a delivery. I needed him to help carry up 6 boxes of packing bubbles to my parent's storage studio in our Upper West Side building.
My school is having a science project week and I needed these bubbles for my super-secret project. Last year, the winning project got the winner into Princeton. I mean, it might have had something to do with the fact that that kid was a total dork, but I need to get into an Ivy league school and my grades alone is not going to get me in there.
So, I reminded the doorman again and again, to the point where he would say "Audrey, when is that delivery again" and start laughing in that fat little man sort of way that really annoys me. Plus I don't like the fact that he's sometimes checking out my ass in the mirror. My mother says not to worry, that in the Puerto Rican culture it is considered a compliment or something.
Anyway, so on Sunday, the buzzer rings and it's the delivery guys. They're downstairs. I go downstairs, a little hung over from the night before, so I'm already cranky, and Mr. Gonzalez is not there! I ask the other guy, who is 82 years old (I think he played Blue in Old School but I am not sure) and he says that Hector had to take his daughter to Sunday School.
What the fuck? Sunday school?
What Would Jesus Do For A Klondike Bar? You'll Find Out Shortly!
VATICAN CITY and GREEN BAY, WI, May 18th - After 2004 years of praying to our Lord Jesus Christ, humanity had reason to believe that, well, Jesus was a figment of someone's imagination.
No longer.
In a celebrity sponsorship scheme for the ages, the Vatican has announced a partnership program with Klondike Ice Cream Company. After securing exclusive rights to the real-life Jesus for 2005, the Vatican will work closely with both Heaven and Klondike to improve the image of the Church as well as the Ice Cream company's bottom line.
The sponsorship, still in its development phase, looks to incorporate Jesus into a variety of advertisements from TV commercials to print and banner ads. With a rigorous press junket planned shortly after Easter 2005, Jesus is expected to be on Earth for two months before prior obligations require His return to Heaven.
Jesus, Our Lord and Savior,
Contemplating a Velvety-
Smooth Klondike Bar
"We're tremendously excited to welcome Jesus to the Klondike Team," Marvin Watson, VP of Marketing, said in a recent press conference. "With the recent spate of Jesus-positive media, we felt that He was a perfect complement to our brand. We're excited to see, for the first time, not only what Jesus actually looks like, but what He looks like earning Klondike Bars: you know, doing the chicken dance, rapping in Polish, or my personal favorite, telling off-color jokes."
When asked for comment, Cardinal Abruzzi, Vatican spokesman, stated that "We felt that Catholicism had taken a real hit in the last year with the various scandals. As an institution, the Church's approval rating was only slighter higher than Janet Jackson's new Damila Jo album. Frankly, we'd never really lived down the whole "sun revolving around the earth" issue from a few centuries ago. What better way to score some points by bringing back the Son of God? And what could be better than to combine His Holiness with a milk chocolate shell and creamy vanilla ice cream? I can't reveal too much, but what I can tell you is that you better be prepared for the hilarity that is Jesus doing jumping jacks and screaming at the top of His lungs."
If all goes according to plan,
Jesus will be enjoying
one of these shortly
Initial word has Jesus attending the premiere of "Klondike: The Very Last Temptation of Christ" next May at Mann's Chinese Theatre in Hollywood as the kick-off to the marketing campaign. There, it is expected that Jesus Himself will make a short "comeback" speech, sit and watch the movie, and then do jumping jacks and scream at the top of His lungs in order to earn His first Klondike Bar in two millenia. He is then expected to make His way over to the premiere party.
As of press time, Jesus was unavailable for comment.
The New Marketing Campaign from Klondike
No longer.
In a celebrity sponsorship scheme for the ages, the Vatican has announced a partnership program with Klondike Ice Cream Company. After securing exclusive rights to the real-life Jesus for 2005, the Vatican will work closely with both Heaven and Klondike to improve the image of the Church as well as the Ice Cream company's bottom line.
The sponsorship, still in its development phase, looks to incorporate Jesus into a variety of advertisements from TV commercials to print and banner ads. With a rigorous press junket planned shortly after Easter 2005, Jesus is expected to be on Earth for two months before prior obligations require His return to Heaven.
Jesus, Our Lord and Savior,
Contemplating a Velvety-
Smooth Klondike Bar
"We're tremendously excited to welcome Jesus to the Klondike Team," Marvin Watson, VP of Marketing, said in a recent press conference. "With the recent spate of Jesus-positive media, we felt that He was a perfect complement to our brand. We're excited to see, for the first time, not only what Jesus actually looks like, but what He looks like earning Klondike Bars: you know, doing the chicken dance, rapping in Polish, or my personal favorite, telling off-color jokes."
When asked for comment, Cardinal Abruzzi, Vatican spokesman, stated that "We felt that Catholicism had taken a real hit in the last year with the various scandals. As an institution, the Church's approval rating was only slighter higher than Janet Jackson's new Damila Jo album. Frankly, we'd never really lived down the whole "sun revolving around the earth" issue from a few centuries ago. What better way to score some points by bringing back the Son of God? And what could be better than to combine His Holiness with a milk chocolate shell and creamy vanilla ice cream? I can't reveal too much, but what I can tell you is that you better be prepared for the hilarity that is Jesus doing jumping jacks and screaming at the top of His lungs."
If all goes according to plan,
Jesus will be enjoying
one of these shortly
Initial word has Jesus attending the premiere of "Klondike: The Very Last Temptation of Christ" next May at Mann's Chinese Theatre in Hollywood as the kick-off to the marketing campaign. There, it is expected that Jesus Himself will make a short "comeback" speech, sit and watch the movie, and then do jumping jacks and scream at the top of His lungs in order to earn His first Klondike Bar in two millenia. He is then expected to make His way over to the premiere party.
As of press time, Jesus was unavailable for comment.
The New Marketing Campaign from Klondike
Report: NYC Homeless "Lazier Than Ever"
New York, NY - In a long-anticipated study commissioned by New York City's Center for Homeless Research, the findings have been announced:
New York City's homeless are lazier than they have ever been.
"I remember when the homeless of New York had, I don't know, a certain je ne sais quoi" said Jennifer Skately, 24, of Washington Heights. "They'd at least crack wise, do a little dance, or just take pride in earning the 21 cents you'd half-heartedly fish out of your pocket. Now it seems like they expect you to give 'em a buck for nothing else than being homeless."
Sittin' around, doin' nothin' - as usual
Quantitatively, it does appear that Ms. Skately's anecdote can be supported.
In a broad range of categories, it appears that the homeless are trying less hard than ever. All-time low marks were earned in entertainment, creativity, and good humor. Marks for aggravation, conniving, and public urination have bottomed out as well. The only statistic in which they receive a better mark is "sitting around and doing absolutely fuck-all."
Get up and get a job? Not this guy!
Henry LaFontaine, spokesman for the Center, chimes in:
"It seems that after 9/11, the average vagrant's desire to improve his or her lot in life just vanished. Some may chalk it up to a crushing loss of hope, attributable to prolonged homelessness. On the other hand, maybe since garbage pickup has been reduced to twice a week they're all better-fed these days? I really couldn't tell you. Nonetheless, I am afraid that the homeless, more than ever, just seem shiftless, bored, and unbelievably lazy."
I spoke with "Joe" (not his real name) to find out his side of the story.
"Man, you go on the Subway and they look at you like you done [had intercourse with] their kids. It's tough to find a [friendly] face. And now, with the new mayor not making us go to a shelter at night, it just seems like the other bums got all lazy and [what have you]."
Joe then leaned back against the wall and got comfortable.
Joe, comfortable
New York City's homeless are lazier than they have ever been.
"I remember when the homeless of New York had, I don't know, a certain je ne sais quoi" said Jennifer Skately, 24, of Washington Heights. "They'd at least crack wise, do a little dance, or just take pride in earning the 21 cents you'd half-heartedly fish out of your pocket. Now it seems like they expect you to give 'em a buck for nothing else than being homeless."
Sittin' around, doin' nothin' - as usual
Quantitatively, it does appear that Ms. Skately's anecdote can be supported.
In a broad range of categories, it appears that the homeless are trying less hard than ever. All-time low marks were earned in entertainment, creativity, and good humor. Marks for aggravation, conniving, and public urination have bottomed out as well. The only statistic in which they receive a better mark is "sitting around and doing absolutely fuck-all."
Get up and get a job? Not this guy!
Henry LaFontaine, spokesman for the Center, chimes in:
"It seems that after 9/11, the average vagrant's desire to improve his or her lot in life just vanished. Some may chalk it up to a crushing loss of hope, attributable to prolonged homelessness. On the other hand, maybe since garbage pickup has been reduced to twice a week they're all better-fed these days? I really couldn't tell you. Nonetheless, I am afraid that the homeless, more than ever, just seem shiftless, bored, and unbelievably lazy."
I spoke with "Joe" (not his real name) to find out his side of the story.
"Man, you go on the Subway and they look at you like you done [had intercourse with] their kids. It's tough to find a [friendly] face. And now, with the new mayor not making us go to a shelter at night, it just seems like the other bums got all lazy and [what have you]."
Joe then leaned back against the wall and got comfortable.
Joe, comfortable
Tribute Band "Dixie Chicks With Dicks" Met With Jeers, Tears
Provo, UT - In what local promoters are labelling a "communication breakdown", Hollywood-area Tribute Band "Dixie Chicks With Dicks" played a 7-minute show at the Kiwanis Club in Provo, Utah last Saturday evening.
At 8:15 pm, the 3-piece band took the stage - a makeshift wooden platform placed on top of the club's stacked up milk crates. As they launched full-throttle into the Dixie Chicks' 2002 hit "Travelin' Soldier", the audience roared its approval. By 8:20, however, a general sense of confusion overtook the audience as they heard lead singer Tom "Emily" Schatz say "thanks for comin' Provo!" in a distinctly baritone, un-"Chick"-like tone of voice.
A recent picture of the band in happier times
Closer inspection revealed plenty: three days' worth of chin stubble on all three band members, obviously dark brown roots revealing a crappy blonde dye job on the third "chick", and a mysterious bulge in the tall one's pants. According to eyewitnesses, by 8:22 the mood had soured: those who were not crying uncontrollably were yelling at the band to "leave the darn stage." To its credit, the band honored those requests, leaving immediately.
"In retrospect," said Schatz, "we probably should have avoided Kiwanis Clubs and the state of Utah in general. It just seemed so convenient to stop there on the way to Vegas."
Promoters vowed to recoup the $96 they had wired the tribute band's manager three hours before the show.
At 8:15 pm, the 3-piece band took the stage - a makeshift wooden platform placed on top of the club's stacked up milk crates. As they launched full-throttle into the Dixie Chicks' 2002 hit "Travelin' Soldier", the audience roared its approval. By 8:20, however, a general sense of confusion overtook the audience as they heard lead singer Tom "Emily" Schatz say "thanks for comin' Provo!" in a distinctly baritone, un-"Chick"-like tone of voice.
A recent picture of the band in happier times
Closer inspection revealed plenty: three days' worth of chin stubble on all three band members, obviously dark brown roots revealing a crappy blonde dye job on the third "chick", and a mysterious bulge in the tall one's pants. According to eyewitnesses, by 8:22 the mood had soured: those who were not crying uncontrollably were yelling at the band to "leave the darn stage." To its credit, the band honored those requests, leaving immediately.
"In retrospect," said Schatz, "we probably should have avoided Kiwanis Clubs and the state of Utah in general. It just seemed so convenient to stop there on the way to Vegas."
Promoters vowed to recoup the $96 they had wired the tribute band's manager three hours before the show.
Makin' Cash Money from the $ubway
New York, NY by Randall Rivers
Mr. Rivers
Wassup.
I am writing to you on my brand new Sony laptop, which is real dope. I could barely make enough money at my broke ass job to afford the Internet café, but I won't even bore you with that. Check out what I did!
Ladies and gentlemen, I have figured out how to make some serious coin on the subway. Let me spell it for you. T-E-E-M-Work. Some glass-half-empty types call me a bum-pimp, but what I am doing is creating a union for the have-nots. We’ll have benefits, and paychecks, and hookers, but that’s later, when we’re showing a profit and shit. I'll even rent that blowup rat and put it on the 6 train for a day if I find some dingy bum panhandling on the Lexington Avenue line without letting me know about it. No scabs in THIS subway, boy. All I ask for is 2% of earnings and in return, you're a Union Man! Know what I'm sayin'?
The 6 Train, otherwise
known as the "Home Office"
First off, I rounded up all the fellas offering hungry people a sandwich or a drink. You know the ones who say “I was homeless, and now I’m offering food to the hungry” and you think to yourself, “what a nice man” until you look up and they’re all scary looking. And I’m talking about the sandwiches, before you get the wrong idea. So I went around, and I said to them, listen up yo, noone's eatin that piece of shit sandwich, not least from a crusty old looking guy like you. At least wrap the shit in a Subway sandwich wrapper or something. Make 'em perceeve that it's a tasty fuckin' sandwich, even if it's a raw burger patty, a green pepper slice, and a bunch of ketchup on a coupla old wonder bread slices. And noone wants to take a swig off your 2-liter of RC Cola when they're thirsty. Know what I'm sayin'? Offer the subway riders a frosty 7-Up or something. A toothpick and a mint wouldn’t hurt either, but that’s for laterz, when we've established ourselves, gotten a brand name and shit.
Then, I cracked the battery sellers. It's long been a standoff between the Asians who sell you the duracells, or the loud toys that break the instant they touch a howlie's hands, and God knows what else - and the brothers, who sell the fake duracells which make people say "aw shit, fuckin' con artist" in their brain but their mouths go "thank you, sir." Know what I'm sayin'? Anyway, I took one for the Sino-Brotha team by puttin’ em to work with each other. I'm a marketing man by nature, and my research reveeled that the asians had the access to the real batteries, but that customers preferred dealing with the brothers. Yo, check this out. I got them all together and I said, if you work in teams of two, one handling the cash and the other making the sales pitch, you're bound to double your money. It's working real well so far; sales are through the roof and we've discontinued selling the robots that make a lot of noise. Fuckin' time wasters, those things. We gave em to some little kids charity, and a bunch of letters from the charity have been coming by registered mail. I’m assuming they’re just thank-you letters, so I’ve been throwin’ em out. Thank you's is not why I am in this business.
So now that I got the food folks, and the battery sellers all lined up, I axed myself, what next? The singers! So I had an open tryout last week. I called it Subway Idle. Man I wish I got that shit on tape. If it wasn't horrible, it was hilarious. The winners would get free outfits, a free backup boombox, and a charming little 5 year old girl (my half-sister's kid) for a week to solicit bigger donations from the straphangers. It went over reaaaaal well. This beatbox kid, real fat, former M&M seller gone "vocal" as he likes to call it, beat out this Hasidic guy in a deputy's uniform and this Hipster for the title. It was b-e-a-YOO-tiful man!
The runner-up, absorbing
the fact that he'd lost
I’m presentin’ my bizness plan to the MTA next week. I call it “food, commerce, entertainment – the subway ride of the 21st centurie”. I figure if I throw the MTA a bone or two, that second avenue line will get done quicker and I’ll have a new “line” of business, know what I’m sayin’? If approved, look for the peeps in the dark red t-shirts entertainin’, sellin’ and reprazentin’ on a car near you!
Peace, yo.
Mr. Rivers
Wassup.
I am writing to you on my brand new Sony laptop, which is real dope. I could barely make enough money at my broke ass job to afford the Internet café, but I won't even bore you with that. Check out what I did!
Ladies and gentlemen, I have figured out how to make some serious coin on the subway. Let me spell it for you. T-E-E-M-Work. Some glass-half-empty types call me a bum-pimp, but what I am doing is creating a union for the have-nots. We’ll have benefits, and paychecks, and hookers, but that’s later, when we’re showing a profit and shit. I'll even rent that blowup rat and put it on the 6 train for a day if I find some dingy bum panhandling on the Lexington Avenue line without letting me know about it. No scabs in THIS subway, boy. All I ask for is 2% of earnings and in return, you're a Union Man! Know what I'm sayin'?
The 6 Train, otherwise
known as the "Home Office"
First off, I rounded up all the fellas offering hungry people a sandwich or a drink. You know the ones who say “I was homeless, and now I’m offering food to the hungry” and you think to yourself, “what a nice man” until you look up and they’re all scary looking. And I’m talking about the sandwiches, before you get the wrong idea. So I went around, and I said to them, listen up yo, noone's eatin that piece of shit sandwich, not least from a crusty old looking guy like you. At least wrap the shit in a Subway sandwich wrapper or something. Make 'em perceeve that it's a tasty fuckin' sandwich, even if it's a raw burger patty, a green pepper slice, and a bunch of ketchup on a coupla old wonder bread slices. And noone wants to take a swig off your 2-liter of RC Cola when they're thirsty. Know what I'm sayin'? Offer the subway riders a frosty 7-Up or something. A toothpick and a mint wouldn’t hurt either, but that’s for laterz, when we've established ourselves, gotten a brand name and shit.
Then, I cracked the battery sellers. It's long been a standoff between the Asians who sell you the duracells, or the loud toys that break the instant they touch a howlie's hands, and God knows what else - and the brothers, who sell the fake duracells which make people say "aw shit, fuckin' con artist" in their brain but their mouths go "thank you, sir." Know what I'm sayin'? Anyway, I took one for the Sino-Brotha team by puttin’ em to work with each other. I'm a marketing man by nature, and my research reveeled that the asians had the access to the real batteries, but that customers preferred dealing with the brothers. Yo, check this out. I got them all together and I said, if you work in teams of two, one handling the cash and the other making the sales pitch, you're bound to double your money. It's working real well so far; sales are through the roof and we've discontinued selling the robots that make a lot of noise. Fuckin' time wasters, those things. We gave em to some little kids charity, and a bunch of letters from the charity have been coming by registered mail. I’m assuming they’re just thank-you letters, so I’ve been throwin’ em out. Thank you's is not why I am in this business.
So now that I got the food folks, and the battery sellers all lined up, I axed myself, what next? The singers! So I had an open tryout last week. I called it Subway Idle. Man I wish I got that shit on tape. If it wasn't horrible, it was hilarious. The winners would get free outfits, a free backup boombox, and a charming little 5 year old girl (my half-sister's kid) for a week to solicit bigger donations from the straphangers. It went over reaaaaal well. This beatbox kid, real fat, former M&M seller gone "vocal" as he likes to call it, beat out this Hasidic guy in a deputy's uniform and this Hipster for the title. It was b-e-a-YOO-tiful man!
The runner-up, absorbing
the fact that he'd lost
I’m presentin’ my bizness plan to the MTA next week. I call it “food, commerce, entertainment – the subway ride of the 21st centurie”. I figure if I throw the MTA a bone or two, that second avenue line will get done quicker and I’ll have a new “line” of business, know what I’m sayin’? If approved, look for the peeps in the dark red t-shirts entertainin’, sellin’ and reprazentin’ on a car near you!
Peace, yo.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)